Product Description
Turn any Relationship into an Extraordinary Relationship "A refreshing alternative to common self-help approaches." —Michael E. Kerr, M.D., Director, Georgetown Family Center, Washington, D.C. and coauthor with Dr. Murray Bowen of Family Evaluation After food, water, and shelter, relationships are the most important factors in determining your quality of life. At work, productivity and efficiency depend on relationships. At home, relationships with your spouse, children, and friends are keys to success and happiness. And among nations, relationships start and stop wars. This invaluable guide shows that only by further developing yourself can you further develop your relationships. Based on the innovative family systems theory pioneered by the late Dr. Murray Bowen, this important and penetrating book offers practical and authoritative family therapy advice that has helped thousands of people throughout the last three decades. It’s a blueprint to better relationships that tells how the principles of family systems theory can be used in all arenas of your life, including intimate relationships, friendships, family relationships, single life, workplace relationships, international relationships, and your relationship with yourself. "A perfect and unpretentious primer of family relationships … a relief to read." —Dr. Walter Toman, Professor Emeritus, Erlangen-Nürnberg University, Germany, and author of Family Constellation

CUSTOMER REVIEWS (Average Customer Rating: 4.5 based on 21 reviews)

All theory, no data by pinktreegirl (San Francisco, CA)

1 Stars
October 06, 2009
I bought this book because of all the glowing reviews. I've found self-help books to be valuable in the past, either as presentations of interesting new ways of thinking that I can incorporate into my own ways of thinking, or as instructional guides for problem-coping techniques, or both. The reviews seemed to indicate that this book would fit that bill. Unfortunately I was disappointed. Yes, a lot of what Gilbert wrote (or rather, her elucidations of Bowen's theories) "makes sense". Many ideas echo principles that I've learned from other books (i.e. self responsibility). What bothered me about this book was its lack of evidence and data. I'm not saying the evidence doesn't exist, as I do not know either way; I'm just saying that this book does not discuss any of it. One of my favorite self-help books is Marty Seligman's Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life because it describes the experiments behind Seligman's proposed approach to improving one's life. I suppose I had the impression that "Extraordinary Relationships" would be similarly evidence-based. Instead, it's a theoretical treatise that describes a way of looking at the world, without stating any empirical bases for those theories. As such I found the theories interesting, but not convincing. I'm not about to adopt a certain way of thinking without seeing some evidence that it can do me some good. My other main complaint about this book is that I did not find any actual prescriptions for techniques to use in my daily life. Now that I know about the self-differentiation scale, exactly how am I supposed to go about moving up to become a "higher scale" individual? The closest that this book comes to offering concrete techniques is Chapter 19 where Gilbert lists ten "typical statements made by people who have used Bowen family systems theory ideas successfully in their primary relationships". But these are statements made by people who have implemented the family systems theory successfully (according to themselves)... how exactly did they get there? And what exactly are the metrics for success? Finally, I have to admit I was put off by the Toman Sibling Position Portraits included as an Appendix to the book. Apparently some of Bowen's theories are based on Toman's work. I found the Sibling Position Portraits to be archaic and sexist. According to the portraits, as an "Oldest Sister of Brothers" I am supposed to be someone whose primary concern and enjoyment is to care for the men in my life, who is "less interested in women", and who seems to "need the companionship of men". This was pretty funny to me considering that I'm a lesbian :) I understand that Toman's studies were conducted in the 1960's and made no attempt to include homosexual partnerships, but the inclusion of this in the Appendix gave the entire book the flavor of something that is outdated and completely not applicable to my life.

Excellent basic resource by Christina L. Berry (Sterling, IL)

5 Stars
August 22, 2009
If you are seeking a good basic resource for yourself or a client to understand relationships in the context of family systems, this book is an excellent place to begin. Concepts are clearly explained and processes are not only described, but illustrated with examples of actual human dynamics. The writer builds concepts and practices in a clear and logical order, which helps the lay reader to understand a human dynamic which is at once obvious and complicated.

Why do people love this book? by T. Coleman

2 Stars
May 31, 2009
I love the Gottman books, I love "How to Save Your Relationship Without Talking About It", I love "Love Languages", I love "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"... but this one? Not a classic, not that great, couldn't even finish it (read half, skimmed the rest). Ah, well - they can't all be winners!

Great Book by Matthew Mccleary (Seattle, WA)

5 Stars
September 30, 2008
This book gives great insight into how to bring your relationships to higher levels of functioning.

This book may be life-changing! by Dani (Washington, DC USA)

5 Stars
June 28, 2008
This book gives an explanation of Bowen's family system theory. The first half of the book is heavy on the theory, and then the second half gets into a little bit of how to use it in real life. It doesn't read like a self-help book, and Gilbert gets props for not using words like "codependence" and other jingoistic psychobabbly words. She's completely blunt and realistic, and it's all well-written. The basic theory is this: in order to have good relationships, you have to be a well-differentiated, individual self. This means that you have solid boundaries, and you can relate to other people without "lending and borrowing" the self, as Gilbert says. Or in my view, you can be friends with people without trying to become them or making them become you. Ironically, in order to work on being a differentiated self you have to do the work through your relationships. None of us are perfectly differentiated, so we can all improve our basic selves and our relationships. The less differentiated we are, the more anxiety in our relationships (because we get all tense about them), and the more they take on the following five postures, which can relieve anxiety in the short term but only mess things up more over time: conflict, distancing, triangling, under/over-functioning, and cut-off. Probably the most important aspect of this theory is that undifferentiation and relationship postures are carried on from generation to generation. So it's not really your parents fault, but yes you learned it all from them, and they learned it from their parents, etc etc. Also your own level of differentiation and the postures you adopt in relationships are based on how you interacted with your entire family of origin, not just your parents. Gilbert stresses that in order to move up the scale of differentiation and have better relationships, we have to go back to our original families and work on our relationships there. This doesn't involve changing anyone else or acting like a therapist- all it involves is changing ourselves, and the way we relate to everyone else. There is a lot more, I'm only scratching the surface here. I am so glad I found this book, because it is convincing and explains everything clearly. I am motivated to try to work on myself, and I have some idea of how to proceed. Other books I've read on the subject were too barfy and jargony, or they touched on the surface of the issues without getting to the heart of the matter.

SIMILAR PRODUCTS

	The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory by Roberta M. Gilbert (Author) "The Eight Concepts" is a clear and concise description of the basic concepts of Bowen family system theory. Beginning with the fundamental concept of the nuclear family as the emotional unit, the other concepts -- differentiation of self scale, triangles, cutoff, family projection process, multigenerational transmission process, sibling position, and emotional processes of society -- are explained as they evolve out of the fundamental concept of the emotional unit. The emphasis is clarity of...
	Extraordinary Leadership: Thinking Systems, Making a Difference by Roberta M. Gilbert (Author) Today's leaders face increased individual and societal anxiety that affects their organizations. Unfortunately, their training has not provided them with any understanding or guidelines that show how to manage themselves in the emotional chaos and intensity. Bowen family systems theory provides the needed understanding. It has proven itself enormously effective not only in families, but also in non-family groups as businesses, institutions, and congregations. Extraordinary Leadership examines...
	Connecting With Our Children : Guiding Principles for Parents in a Troubled World by Roberta M. Gilbert (Author) Parents want a special relationship with their children Parents care. They want to guide their children through the rough spots in life and help them make the right decisions. Research shows that a special parental connection is extremely important in safeguarding children against dangers such as substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, criminal activity, and suicide. This is more important than ever before in today’s troubled world. But what does making this connection mean? Based on Bowen...
	Family Evaluation by Michael E. Kerr (Author), Murray Bowen (Author) "Comprehensively presents Bowen's principles for assessing families, enabling the family therapist to organize clinical data and make therapy decisions."--James L. Framo, Ph.D.
	The Cornerstone Concept by Roberta M. Gilbert MD (Author) The Cornerstone Concept addresses many issues crucial to leadership in today s organizations and indeed, in all of society. Some of these are: What is high level leadership? Why is it important? What is the scale of differentiation of self? How does one advance up the scale? What are guiding principles and how do we get them? Why is it important to work on one s family relationships? What is meant by taking a stand ? Can a leader help a floundering society to pull up ? ...